Pour SOME Cinema Sugar on Me: Why Chick Flicks Work for Beginners

Don’t laugh at the typo in my title. The feed is old,  and I don’t know how to correct FROM to SOME without grabbing someone at WordPress by the scruff.

Okay, guys,chances are when you use the term chick flick, you are not dishing a compliment. But I’m here to tell you that they hold – NO – they are your sword in the stone. Harness the power, and you are are working with a Viagra lightsaber combination that will cut through the huge walls of crap woman use to protect themselves.

But, Christine, you’re a woman. Why are you betraying the rest of the girls in the moon hut? Ahh, I’m not betraying them. It’s a common misconception that women want you to fail. We don’t. We want you to succeed like you are riding the white smoke of a new Pope. We want to take the douche out of your Banana Republic, the lack of awareness out of your Gap, and the Bass Pro Shop out of the spells you attempt to cast.

I’m going to break the seduction down.

Let’s Start with the Basics

Appearances and age don’t matter. Sexy comes from inside and makes your outside magnetic.

Adam Arkin in Northern Exposure. We’ll see beyond your scruff. Your prickness translates to a challenge. If you treat us well, we win.

 Now it is clear. We  are attracted to the core. Why do nice guys finish last? That’s not true at all. You have to be nice, but you have to bury it like treasure! Women are more spiritual then ever now. We’re identifying with animal spirit guides and Egyptian Goddesses. We want to chase your nicesness down on a grassy Savannah, and we want to tear it out of you with our teeth. If you hand it to us, and Heaven forbid other women, it’s not satisfying. There has been no hunt for our inner lioness.

WARNING: THIS CLIP HAS BAD LANGUAGE NOT FIT FOR PEOPLE WHO HAVE CURSE JARS.

Man, I wanted to climb into Lost in Translation and Fed Ex Bill Murray my carpet samples.

Why go with the son. I’d call Alan Arkin daddy. He’s got personality and baldness working for him. My armchair analyzing tells me women see bald men and we translate our love for our sons to adult men (we sexualize it). For example, we want to sit on your head, like we’ve successfully delivered breech. We also want to take you to our breast. Not for our satisfaction – because you need it.

Women spend a lot of time being critical of ourselves. We go to movies and imagine ourselves as the leading actress. We delude ourselves into thinking we have the hair we want, the good skin we want, and the right lines at the right time. We sip from these films like they are confidence smoothies. It’s why we see them in the theater and watch them whenever they are on television again and again and again.

Jason has confidence! He knows what he wants and goes after it. When the smart girls try to reason with him, it’s really them doing their own hunting. If he lets me live, that means he really loves me. It means I win!

In short, this first lesson is about encouraging women by engaging their inner huntress.