I’ve announced on social media (so, you know it’s important) that my I-Mac will now be known as Jim Dear and the MacBook Pro will hence be called Darling. Those of you with mouse ears will understand the reference is from Walt Disney’s Lady and the Tramp.
Tonight, Darling and I are going on our first date to a screenwriting workshop. Only I don’t have a laptop bag yet. It came in a cardboard box with a plastic handle on top, but that’s sort of like going to see Debbie Boone with Jesus taped to your chest.
Screenwriting is something that I really enjoy, because it’s conversation. It’s how we tell each other stories. If we’re smart, we get to the good stuff right away. If someone would pay me to do that, I’d recommit to shaving myself, to a better fridge-cleaning regime.
“Okay, picture this: A woman is walking around Cincinnati with her husband’s spirit riding on her head, only she doesn’t know it.” That previous idea is registered in the screenwriter’s guild by the way. You’re picturing it, right? What’s this woman like? Is she chubby, hunched over with the weight of his presence?
Is she skinny, attractive, and screwing the whole of the midwest because she knows he’s there? “You sorry son-of-a-bitch. Cheat on me for thirty years? Think I’m stupid! I come from gypsies, ass hole. Call me jealous? Tonight, I’m going to see the Squirrel Nut Zippers. Then I’m going backstage to rearrange their nut sacks! Enjoy the show, ya bastard.”
So, Darling and I will have a good time. I will try not to be smug. How can I not be though? I know what turns her on.