The other evening the husband and I were sitting on the sofa watching the Martha Stewart Thanksgiving Special. The even tone of her voice is soothing like a billiard ball rolling across felt. It reminds both of us of the late television painting instructor, Bob Ross. His paint brush swishing across canvas, the scraping of his knife on the pallet, even his almost whispered narration would put you in the deep meditative state.
Martha was making turkey-shaped coloring books for the children’s table. It was a cute idea. Martha’s world of pinking shears and sharp creases seemed almost attainable, until she suggested that the kids at the table might like to write messages to their adult relatives in their turkey coloring books. I don’t know about your family, but this is how we saw it going down. Note: For some reason we played this out with everyone having a Brooklyn accent.
Dear Aunt Martha,
Please tell cousin Eddie to stop farting.
Love,
Jimmy
Dear Aunt Martha,
Not for nothin’, but are these little round things in the stuffin’ from your rabbit hutch? Cause, I ain’t seen anything like ‘em in Stove Top.
Just askin’,
Billy
Dear Aunt Martha,
This turkey is drier that Uncle Franks elbows. Mom says I gotta eat it anyway. She also told me not to lie, so I’m telling you I stuck it the green house. A few hits with the mister wouldn’t hurt. You know what I’m saying?
Your honest,
Anthony
Dear Aunt Martha,
Can you come in here and get your dog? That congested S.O.B. just snotted on my sneaker. Oh, by the way, that ain’t a good thing.
-Pete
Dear Aunt Martha,
How come this cranberry sauce ain’t tubular and smooth like mom’s? By the way, you said this chair was a shaker? I’ve been sitting here for a friggin’ hour. It ain’t moved once.
-Vincent
Dear Aunt Martha,
Freddie keeps calling it Boner China. If he’s right, I ain’t eatin’ off it.
-Lucia
